


Finding Our Way Home

by Joe_Reaves



Category: Empire Records (1995), Without a Trace
Genre: Angst, Crossover, First Time, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Undercover, different role same actor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-10
Updated: 2010-04-10
Packaged: 2017-10-08 20:42:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/79344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joe_Reaves/pseuds/Joe_Reaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Malone meets someone from his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Our Way Home

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with [Lucas](http://verito295.livejournal.com)

I was twenty-one when he vanished. The one man who had cared about me and made sure I didn't constantly put myself into some kind of trouble, the one who was always there when I did manage to and pulled me out over and over again.

Joe had finally convinced me to go to college after the Atlantic City fiasco. He cajoled, threatened and praised me until I gave in and applied to several schools, fully believing that they would either reject me or that once he saw the price tag of the course he'd give in himself. What I certainly did not expect was for Princeton to accept me… and offer me a partial scholarship. I don't think I ever saw Joe move so fast; he had everything organized and ready for me to go within a couple of days, most likely to make sure I wouldn't chicken out and run off somewhere.

We drove to Princeton together, checked out the campus, and he made sure I was really settled in before he headed back to the store. It was early September and the day was sort of cloudy, but the moment he turned around before getting back into the car and driving away, the sun broke through and just shone on him… I knew even back then I loved him;  
I had for a couple of years but I never said anything. I knew he had started not seeing me as a kid anymore and he had never really treated me like a son, but I thought that if there really was a chance for us I had to show him I could do something with myself. It was one of the main reasons I had agreed to go to college. I was hoping that the distance might make him realize his feelings, if he had any, for me and I promised myself I would approach the subject over the Christmas holidays.

I never had a chance. That day was the last time I saw him. We talked nearly every day for the following two weeks and then he simply disappeared. The guys at the store told me he never showed up for work and that the house was intact, only a few personal effects missing. His car was still parked in the driveway. The police looked into it, but there was no trace of a break in and they had no leads.

A few days after his last phone call, I found a letter under my dorm door. My heart caught as I recognized the handwriting on the front. It was Joe's. I did my best not to rip the envelope apart and practically inhaled the contents of the letter before sitting with a soft thump on the bed and starting to read it again.

_Dear Lucas,_

You have no idea how much it hurts to have to do this but I have to go. It's not your fault or any of the kids at Empire. Something from my past came back and I will not have you guys in any danger. You all mean too much to me, especially you, Lucas. I don't think I'll ever be able to come back but please remember I love you all and I'll always keep you in my heart and my memories. I left ownership of Empire in equal shares to Berko, AJ, Gina and Deb, with the condition that any changes will have to be approved by you. I know they are the ones most likely to make sure the store doesn't collapse or is blown up or something. They'll make sure the rest of the gang is taken care of too. To you ,I leave the house and everything in it; the mortgage has been paid off so you'll always have somewhere to call home no matter how far you get in life, kid, and I know you'll go far. Your tuition for college is fully paid for the next four years so, Lucas, please don't give up. Stay in Princeton and finish your course. I know you're going to want to make sure the rest of the guys are alright, but please just do this one thing before you decide what else to do with your life. I know you can do it; hell, I know you can dance in circles around most of your professors. Just believe in yourself and stick to it. I love you kid, will always remember you.

Joe

I didn't even realize until the moment I finished reading the letter for the second time that I was crying. I could hardly believe he wasn't going to be there when I went back to Fieldboro; that he wouldn't be sitting in his office grumbling about one thing or another or drumming away when the gang stressed him too much. I folded the letter and put it inside my favorite book before curling up on my bed. I promised myself that day that I would graduate from Princeton with the best possible marks, even if I had to spend the following four years studying day and night. I honestly didn't think I'd ever see him again; Joe had never lied to me and if he said he didn't think he could come back then I believed him. But I was proven wrong… and the day I saw him again made a close second in my list of Best Days of my Life, right after the first day I saw him.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

It was just a routine job, well as routine as a missing kid can ever be. He'd vanished from school so Danny and I were interviewing his teachers and friends while Viv and Martin dealt with the parents. Even being a father myself I was always amazed at how little parents actually seem to know about their kids, so I was betting we'd have better luck at finding a lead than they would. Until I walked into a classroom and my past slapped me in the face, figuratively speaking. As calmly as I could manage I asked Danny to give me a moment with Mr. Miller. He didn't look happy about it but he trusts me, so he left.

"Lucas," I said carefully. "You're a philosophy teacher… why is that the only bit of this that doesn't surprise me?" I took a deep breath as he gaped at me in shock and asked a favour I had no right to expect after the way I'd treated him. "I know you want to ask all the questions that I can see running through your brain, but you have a missing student and I have a job to do. When this is all over I promise you can say anything you want, but for now, just let me do my job. Please?"

***

I didn't even notice him at first when he entered my classroom; I was worried about Caleb and trying to help the FBI agents by going through all my teaching notes for the last six months, doing my best to remember even the smallest detail about one of my more brilliant students. His voice was the first thing that broke my concentration and I could feel my stomach drop. Even back then I had a weak spot for his voice; it would make my skin shiver and break in tiny goose bumps every time he growled at someone, me included, but right then I could think only about one thing, Joe.

Even though I wasn't happy about it, I dropped all the questions I had running through my head and agreed to focus back on Caleb, at least until he was back home. The younger agent walked back into the classroom a few minutes later and I gave them everything I had managed to gather, hoping it would help in the search. I can honestly say that letting him walk out of my classroom and maybe out of my life again was the hardest thing I had ever done.

Fortunately it took the agent only a few more hours to track down Caleb; he had used an uncle's credit card to buy a ticket to New Orleans where he was supposed to meet some friends he had met online. He had mentioned the little group several times over the last year and a quick search resulted in the discovery that they had organized a gathering of sorts… and none of them had any idea that Caleb wasn't there with his parent's knowledge and consent.

Caleb was back on his way to New York and the FBI case looked solved, but Joe wasn't with the young agent who came back to inform me. I was slightly surprised when agent Taylor handed me an envelope, saying that his boss sent it for me. As he left I stared at the small piece of paper that fell out of it, a business card with an address in Joe's hand writing in the back and the name Jack Malone in the front. Before starting to second guess myself I pocketed the card and grabbed my leather jacket before making my way to the address the FBI agent had given me.

***

I couldn't go back and see him again, I didn't trust myself to talk to him in front of other people; so I took the coward's way out, again, and sent him a note. I think I stunned Viv when I left the paperwork for the next day and actually went home early, but I had to be there in case Lucas actually chose to come and see me. I paced around my empty living room. Almost everything was still in boxes; I just hadn't had the energy to unpack since Marie left.

I knew I should cook or at least order take out or something but I couldn't think of anything but Lucas and the fact that at any minute he might be here, in my apartment. Oh God. What was I going to say to him? What could I say? I'm sorry I abandoned you all, please don't hate me? The doorbell rang and I spun around, nearly tripping over my own feet. Oh God. It's him, I know it. For an instant I was tempted to hide, pretend no one was home. He hates me, he must, and I don't know if I can deal with Lucas hating me. I walk to the door, slowly, like someone heading for a firing squad, and open it a crack. "Lucas. I… you better come in."

***

I stepped inside noticing the nearly empty room and the open boxes scattered all over the place before looking back at Joe. It had been about ten years from the last time I had seen him outside my dorm building and it didn't look like time had any pity on him. He looked exhausted and worn out. The way he was leaning against the back of the sofa, not even meeting my eye, made my heart ache, no matter how angry I was about the fact he had left and never tried to get in touch with us, with me, again.

I stuffed my fists in the pockets of my jacket and finally spoke up. "It's been a long time Joe… or should I say Special Agent Jack Malone?" I didn't intent to sound so bitter but my heart has never stopped aching and knowing that I've lived in New York for four years now and he's always been this close… it really hurts.

***

I was right, he does hate me. Not that I can blame him, but I hoped … I stare at the ground, feeling like a kid in the principal's office.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't have a choice." I glance up at him quickly and then back down again. "Jack is my real name. Joe was… fictional. He was a cover the witness protection scheme thought up for me. I thought I was going to be in New Jersey for the rest of my life, but they found me and I had to be moved. It was all I could do to ditch my bodyguards long enough to even send you the letter."

***

My anger suddenly deflates as I see him so dejected. I don't think I've ever seen him so broken, not even that time on the swing the day I stole the till money and nearly lost the store. "Joe…" I smile sadly at the slip up and move closer until I'm standing in front of him, speaking softly. "Jack… we missed you, but I knew you'd never leave us unless you had a really good reason to. Most of the time I was just worried, not knowing if you were alright or if anything had happened to you." I look away and I can feel me ears flush a little even after all these years. "I missed you so much. I never thought I'd see you again but I never stopped thinking about you. Thank you for taking the risk to leave that letter; it was the only thing that stopped me from going crazy looking for you."

***

I reach out tentatively to touch him; I want so much to hug him but I'm scared that that would be too much. He's being more understanding than I have any right to expect. "I wanted to contact you, but even after they caught the people who were after me and I could come back to New York and my family, it was too dangerous. I didn't want anyone to know where I had been in case they took their frustrations out on you guys and then, after you graduated, I lost track of you all together. I should have tried harder to find you I suppose, but I didn't think you'd want to see me."

***

I see him so hesitant and it just hurts me more. I honestly doubt that all the damage was done by leaving the gang and the life in New Jersey behind, which means that someone out there deserves to receive a world of pain for hurting him. I pull him into a hug, hold him close and whisper, "Why in the world would I not want to see you? You are the one person I thought about every day for the last ten years."

***

I hug him back. "I missed you, kid, so much. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you. I wanted to tell you how proud I was when you graduated." I hold him even closer.

"It's so good to see you again. I nearly fainted when I walked into that classroom and there you were. You've done well, I can see that. Are you happy here? In New York? You don't miss the gang?"

***

I smile and hug him closer for a moment before letting go and stepping back. Even after ten years a hug from Joe… Jack, manages to turn certain parts of my anatomy into mush and others into marble. While I am certainly not going to let him get away from me this time, I don't think that pouncing him right away might be such a good idea. "Take a seat and let me get a drink but I promise I'll tell you everything." With that I head in the direction of what I assume is the kitchen from the view of the refrigerator in the corner, all the while talking to Jack. "After graduation I left the States, backpacked through Europe before moving further East. I kept traveling in that direction so I figured; why not go all the way around?"

I open the fridge and I'm suddenly glad I'm not looking for food. The only things in it are two old boxes of Chinese food and a few slices of pizza pie that look at least a week old. "It took me nearly a year and a half before I made it back to Seattle on a commercial ship and from there another six weeks to get back to New Jersey. By then the gang was ready to strangle me since I had told them I would get back to the States in a couple of months at the very most." I finally emerge from the kitchen with two glasses of tap water since Jack's kitchen hasn't yielded anything better. "Within six months I was hired at the school for an experimental Philosophy course for high school juniors and seniors and I've been there ever since. I still see the gang every month or so, when I receive Deb's injunctions to visit, or else… They are all doing great, they'll be so happy to know you are alright and to see you again."

***

I sit down and watch him, slightly embarrassed by the state of my apartment. "Well no wonder I lost you – you went all round the world? I'd love to hear all about it someday. I bet you had a great time. Did you at least keep in touch while you were gone? You must have or Deb would have set off after you." I look down again. "See them again? You really think that's a good idea? I mean they've probably forgotten all about me by now. You're different, you were always special, but I was just an employer to the rest of them." I blush when I see he's settled on water. "I think I need to do some shopping, but I'm barely here. I tend to live in my office."

***

I smile and offer him the second glass. "I sent letters every once in a while but not all post offices around the world are very reliable. Don't you even think about not seeing the gang again; they never saw you as 'just' an employer. Did you know that Deb and AJ have a little boy now? The first one of the new Empire generation." I tilt his chin up gently until his eyes meet mine. "His name is Joseph, and it's not a coincidence. I even bought him a small drum set last Christmas," I add with a grin before looking around the room and changing subject. "So, what happened with the apartment? And the kitchen? You used to work hard before but the house was always warm and homey, plus your cooking was way better than most delivery places… unless the restaurant of the neighborhood are tons better than where I live." I smile again, hoping to cajole a matching one from Jack.

***

I smile slightly, trying not to let him see quite how touched I am. I have to clear my throat before I say anything. "Really? They named him after me? That's… I don't know what to say. I never realized they'd care that much." I try to smile but then he brings up the apartment and a wave of sadness comes over me as I think about my girls. "I was moving to Chicago." I fiddle with my wedding ring. "With my wife and our girls." I look down again. "The night before we were due to move she decided it would be better if I didn't go with them. I guess I never got around to unpacking again."

***

I guess I know who hurt him now. I can see how much pain he is in so I refrain from pointing out what a bitch his ex wife was and try to smile encouragingly. "Your girls? You have kids? I always knew you would be a wonderful father with the way you looked after all of us." I can't help it though, I really wish I could hurt the cold woman who would leave him behind, separating him from two more kids he obviously loves. I pull him back into my arms and rest my cheek against his. "I'm sorry Jack, I wish there was something I could do," I whisper before pulling back enough to make eye contact. "I could take Deb's approach and make her disappear if you want though." I say with a semi-serious grin.

***

I shrug. "I don't know about that, I made a pretty lousy husband. The girls are wonderful though. The oldest, Hana, is my stepdaughter but I adopted her when Marie and I got married. Katie is the younger girl. They're both beautiful and smart as anything. They didn't want to go to Chicago; their friends are here, their school, too. I just… I feel like I abandoned them and look at me – I work all the time, I'm single and I can't afford live in help. No judge would ever award me more than weekend visits. Marie's got an incredibly high paying job, works regular hours – or at least brings her work home with her if she wants to work evenings and she's already got a boyfriend moving in."

***

I have to take a deep breath and bite my tongue hard to avoid blurting out I could move in with him and help out with the girls. Not that I don't mean to get there eventually but first things come first. "I have no idea how she could even think to replace you." I look straight into his eyes, hoping he'll understand. "I, for sure, never managed to, but then I didn't even try to let someone else in to my heart." I say with a soft smile.

***

I stare back at him. He can't possibly mean what I think he means. I'm just twisting it in my head to mean what I want it to mean. I don't even realize I'm shaking my head till his expression changes and his eyes fill with hurt. I reach out to cup his face. "Lucas, I … I think you're going to have to explain that. In really short words."

***

I close my eyes for a moment to absorb the feeling of his hands against my cheeks. The moment of panic when he didn't seem to agree with where I was hinting at is gone, replaced by determination and large dose of hope if the look in Jack's eyes is of any indication. Nonetheless I can feel the tip of my ears heating up as I open my mouth again, trying to mask my nervousness with a smile. "I… I love you. Or better, I'm in love with you." I can't help but grin, "Is that short enough Jack?"

***

I freeze and then I can feel a grin spreading across my face, probably the first honest-to-goodness smile since before Marie left; if I'm honest, the first one not directed at Katie or Hana since I left Fieldboro. I stroke his face gently and keep smiling. "You know one of the reasons Marie and I didn't work was probably the fact that I was looking for someone who could make me feel the way you do." I lean in slowly and brush my lips across his.

***

My eyes flutter closed and I can feel the heat pooling in my stomach as he kisses me for the first time. I can't help but press into his touch and wrap my arms around his waist before returning the kiss, my tongue gently licking his lips, asking for permission. I moan softly as he lets me in and I get a first taste of the mouth I've been dreaming about since I was seventeen.

***

Oh, God. I groan and pull him closer, following his tongue back into his mouth eagerly. Eventually I pull away to breathe and I bury my head in his shoulder. "I love you. I missed you so much. Walking away from you was the hardest thing I've ever done." I pull back. "I have two little girls who are very important to me. You have to be sure you can deal with that because I can't lose you again, but I won't let them get hurt any more than they already are."

***

I hold him closer again and run my hand over his back, wishing there were less layers between our skins, possibly none, but there's time for that later. "Jack, all I want is to be part of your life and if your little girls are anything like you, then I'm very much looking forward to meeting them." I hesitate for a moment. "Do you think they are going to be alright with me being around?"

***

I lean back and pull him into my lap. "They'll love you, just like I do. Oh they'd rather Marie and I hadn't split up, but they're not stupid and they've seen Marie and I falling apart for years. How could they not love you? How could anyone not?" I kiss him again, holding him gently. "This is going to sound stupid, love, but if you're planning on taking this any further than making out on the couch, can we go to your place? This apartment is… a total dump right now." I look around it more carefully. "I hadn't realized how empty I'd let it get. It's not home right now."

***

I drop a trail of soft kisses along his jaw before pulling back and smiling at him. "We have time to fix it up later if you want, starting with a family sized grocery shopping, unpacking everything you want and storing anything you don't away." Leaning closer I kiss him again, perfectly happy for the first time since the day he dropped me off at Princeton over ten years ago. "We can go to my apartment. It's cozy, which is rental speech for tiny, but I have a fully stocked fridge and a very warm bedroom. Plus you get to meet my Lizard if you come with me," I add with a grin.

***

I kiss him again. "Thank you. I think if I have you, I can finally start getting my life back in order again. And maybe, if you're sure they're not going to hate me, we can go and see the gang one day soon. I missed them, too, even if they are all utterly insane. Are they all doing ok? Do they still have the store? I saw an article on Berko's band the other day and managed to sneak into one of his gigs." I pause and the rest of what he said filters through my tired brain. "Lizard?"

***

I grin and get up, pulling him after me before kissing him softly again. "The guys are doing great. Corey is a big shot lawyer back in Jersey. Deb and Gina still run the store when they are not busy; one with the little brat and the other planning Berko's tours. AJ has opened a gallery in town; he has some of his own work together with other local artists. Come on now, we have plenty of time to catch up. Let's get some of your stuff together and get somewhere more comfortable, and I promise I'll tell you everything you want… starting with showing you who Lizard is."

***

I have an overnight bag in the car, for emergencies and for when I sleep in the office, which isn't exactly a rare occurrence these days. I usher him out the door and down to my car so I can pick the bag up. Then I follow him to the curb where I meet Lizard. "It's green!" I blurt. Grinning sheepishly I add, "Sorry, that's pretty obvious." A wave of sadness washes over me. "You know I always planned to buy you a new bike for graduation."

***

I smile and kiss him softly again… well it was supposed to be a soft kiss but by the time we break apart he has me pressed against Lizard and we're both panting heavily. "I bought her when I was hired at the school. I wasn't about to try and wrestle New York City traffic with a car." I smile and peck his lips again before admitting softly, "When I bought her I kept hearing your voice in the back of my head, complaining about one model or another until I finally found her." I can feel my ears heat up again but nothing can wipe the silly grin I have on my face now. I squeeze his bag into the small trunk before handing him my spare helmet, putting on mine and then saddling my Lizard. "Don't be afraid to hang on tightly," I say with a smirk. I wish I were a cat the moment he wraps his arms around my waist; at least I would be able to purr properly.

***

I know I have a sappy grin at the idea of him buying a bike with my opinion in mind. Hang on tightly sounds like an invitation to me though, so I wrap myself around him, clinging to him like ivy on a church roof. The ride through the city streets is exhilarating, amazing, incredible, like nothing I've ever experienced before… not to mention erotic as hell. By the time we get to his apartment building I'm harder than I've ever been and I know he knows it because I'm pressed up behind him so tightly you couldn't get a piece of paper between us.

***

I park outside my building and barely remember to lock Lizard up before nearly dragging Jack upstairs. For once I have to say I don't mind the fact that the elevator is not working because I doubt we'd manage to get out of it if we started kissing. We make it upstairs without no more than a few brief hungry kisses, but as soon as I unlock the door a little furball propels itself out. "Jack, you get in, I'll be right there. It looks like my pest is not happy I'm home late today." And then I'm off chasing after my bratty cat.

***

I blink after him and then laugh. That is so typically Lucas. I shake my head and start wandering around the apartment. Plenty of bookshelves, all filled to overflowing, no surprise there. If I looked closely no doubt there would be a huge range of topics too. I wander into the kitchen and whistle in surprise. This is one well-stocked kitchen; it looks like my brat learned to cook. A quick check through the cupboards and fridge assures me that we can have waffles for breakfast; Lucas always loved those when he lived with me.

***

I catch up with Mephis on the floor below, grabbing her quickly before taking her back upstairs and locking the front door. Jack is not in the living room but the light is on in the kitchen, so I drop the little pest in the spare room before going after him. I find him peeking in my fridge and the sight looks so perfectly normal my heart is about to burst. "I managed to replicate most of your recipes by trial and plenty of errors. The only ones I could never get to taste exactly right are your potato cakes," I say with a smile as I lean against the doorframe.

***

I look slightly embarrassed at having been caught poking around, but then I grin. "You tried to copy my cooking? That's so sweet." I pull him into a hug. "I'll teach you how to make the potato cakes, but I was thinking about waffles for breakfast." Holding him close, I start kissing my way along his neck. He actually purrs and I grin again. "You make me happy, Lucas, I'm glad you've forgiven me. Are you sure the others will too? I really have missed all of you." A thought occurs to me. "What about Mark and Warren and Eddie? You didn't mention them earlier."

***

I pull him closer and nuzzle his neck, enjoying the feeling of the cold skin after the bike ride in contrast with the warmth underneath. "They have all missed you; the one who had more of a problem about it was Warren. It took him a long time to get it into his thick skull that it wasn't his fault or a delayed reaction to his stunt in the store that was the cause for your leaving." I slip my hands under the light jacket he's wearing and caress his back through the material, idly thinking we'll need to get him a heavier jacket if he is going to ride Lizard more. "He met Becca about a year after you left and she smacked some sense into him. They are supposed to get married next year." I pull back with a smile as I realize something. "She is actually a divorce lawyer here in New York; she might be of help to get your girls back. I've seen her in court and she really kicks ass."

***

God, I could simply hold him for hours, days really, just to make sure he is here and he's not going anywhere. "Mark's family moved to California around the same time Warren and Rebecca got together. We still keep in touch and last I heard his band was playing back up to some pretty good gigs. Eddie went back to Philadelphia a few years back; his mother wasn't doing too well so he's been taking care of her and his younger sister." I start moving with him in the direction of the bedroom. "Enough with the gang though, they are all fine. I promise they never hated you and even though I would suggest you hide behind me when you see Deb, it's mostly because I expect her to give you the 'shovel talk' than anything else. Everybody else will just be so happy to see you, I'm going to have to duck out of the way not to get run over." I kiss his throat before sucking gently on his Adam's apple. "Let me make you even happier, Jack;let me take care of you," I whisper in his ear softly.

***

I moan and slide my hands down to cup that sexy ass of his. He's only got sexier in the last decade and I want to show him how much I love him. "We'll talk about it in the morning and maybe I should see Warren before the rest of the gang, not only to enlist his fiancée's help, but because I never meant to hurt the poor kid. He reminds me a bit of you at that age … not that he is that age any more." I sigh. "I missed so much." I kiss him again and tug him towards where I'm guessing the bedroom is. "I love you. I want you naked and in my arms tonight."

***

I press closer and moan deep in my throat when I feel his arousal against my leg. "I promise, we have the rest of our lives to catch up. I'm never going to let you go this time," I say in a hoarse voice as I push the jacket off his shoulders and pull him into the bedroom, my fingers unbuttoning his shirt as we move towards the bed. "I love you Jack; I've missed you so much all these years."

***

I slide my hands under his shirt and moan when I touch skin. "I missed you, too. It's probably a good job I lost track of you because your graduation took me right to my limit. It was all I could do not to step out of the crowd and hug you. I was so proud of the man you'd grown into and I wanted to tell you." I kiss him again. "I swear if anything ever happens and I have to leave, I'll ask you to come with me. It shouldn't, I should be safe now, but I won't leave you again. I can't."

***

I shiver as his hands finally touch my bare skin, "Good, because I'm not going to let you out of my sight otherwise," I say with a soft grin. I finally push his shirt out of the way and my breath catches. He is still perfect, handsome and well built like ten years ago. His job might have taken over a good part of his life but at least it kept his body in shape… and a beautiful one too, I think with a predatory smile. "You are amazing, just like I remember you." I lean closer and nibble my way down from his neck to his chest, taking a perk nipple between my lips and teasing it with my tongue.

***

I'm about to deny it. I'm ten years older although it feels like at least twenty. But then he starts trying to melt my brain. I cry out and clutch at his hair. "Oh God, so good, love." It's been so long since I shared my bed with anyone who really cared about me; I need this more than I realized. "I need you, love. We can take our time later, but right now I need you inside me, making me forget everything but you."

***

I groan softly and pull back before dropping one more kiss on his open and panting lips. "I'm going to take such good care of you, Jack; just relax and let me love you." I push him gently on the bed before stepping back and stripping quickly, my clothes flying every which way in my haste to finally feel him against me. Once I'm fully naked, I stalk back to the bed and slip his shoes off before helping him get rid of all his clothes too. When I finally lay down next to him and our skin fully touches for the first time, I can't help the low growl escaping my throat. "God, I've wanted this for so long, baby."

***

I wrap my arms around him. "I never let myself think about you like this. I didn't realize I was falling for you until I had to leave and then it was too late." Rolling us over, I press him into the bed. I kiss and nibble a trail down his neck and over his chest. "Delicious. I want to touch and taste every part of you."

***

I smile and wrap my legs around his waist, growling softly when the movement brings our bodies even closer. "I'm all yours, Jack, always have been, from the moment you took me in to your heart and your home. It just took us both a hell of a long time to realize it." I arch into his touch as Jack bites down gently around one nipple before taking the hard nub into his mouth, soothing it with his tongue and drawing a strangled moan from my lips at the same time. I roll him over and use my weight to pin him to the mattress, panting softly as I make my way up over his chest, trailing kisses and gentle bites over his skin. "I promise you'll get to taste me later, love. Right now I just want to make your brain melt until all you remember is my name and how loud you can scream it," I say with a mix of love and hunger in my voice.

***

I run my hands over his back and down to his ass, holding him in place as I thrust up against him. "Anything. Anything you want, my love. Show me where I belong." I slide my hands back up his back, tracing his spine gently with my nails and making him shiver. "I love you, I missed you every moment."

***

His words make me melt inside. I've loved him for nearly as long as I've known him, but after he disappeared I never thought I'd have the chance to see that love returned. With those simple words he is giving me everything I've really ever wanted. "So did I love," I whisper hoarsely as I slide lower, kissing my way over his chest and stomach before settling in between his legs. "So did I."

***

I moan as he starts exploring, my brain turning to mush under his talented hands and mouth. When he hovers so close to my straining cock, I whimper and arch up towards his mouth. "Oh please, I want to feel your mouth, Lucas. Make me scream, then take me and make me yours. I want you inside me."

***

There is no way I can refuse him anything, much less a request like this. The first touch to the hard cock in front of my eyes rips a deep moan of appreciation from Jack; the sound is so addictive I can't wait to hear it again. After another long lick like a kid would with a lollypop, I wrap my lips tightly around the head, sucking and swirling my tongue over the sensitive silk like skin. Jack bucks under me with a small jerky movement of his hips and I hold him down, running my fingers over the smooth skin, taking in every texture, every detail.

***

Oh my God. My head falls back and my eyes close. It's been so long since I had anyone who wanted me the way he does. With Marie ... well we'd barely touched each other like that since my Katie was born. We still shared a bed but she was cold towards me and it was already obvious our marriage wasn't going to last. Sam was a mistake. I just wanted someone, anyone, who would make me feel something. Sam was looking for something, I don't know what, I'm not even sure she does, but I couldn't give it to her. Lucas is different. I've loved him for so long and even though I thought I'd got over him, I know now I never did. Just knowing it's him touching me is enough to make me harder than I can remember ever being. "Lucas," I moan, running one hand through his silken hair. "My Lucas." He's driving me insane, I can't string words together so I just moan his name repeatedly.

***

I can't take it anymore, even just the way he says my name drives me crazy. With a last lick I pull back and move to lie next to him, one hand caressing the soft skin of his stomach and hips. I curl up around him and drop soft kisses over his shoulder and neck. "I'm going to make love to you, Jack, show you exactly how special you are and how much I love you," I whisper with a hoarse voice. "Turn around, love. I don't know how long I can hold on but I'm not going to hurt you, no matter how much we both need this." I can barely believe it; he's here and all mine, like I dreamt of for years. The time since he left Fieldsboro and his old life behind has not been the happiest, but I swear to myself that I will spend the rest of our lives showing him how much better things can be when someone really loves you.

***

I moan softly and roll over, trying not to let him see that I'm somewhat nervous. I love Lucas and I want to feel him inside of me, to prove this is real and I have him back. I think on some level I'm trying to prove to him how much I love him. Trying in some way to make up for abandoning him for all those years. I haven't done this before. I've been on the other side a couple of times but I haven't been with a man since the early years in Fieldsboro. I didn't feel I could do this with Lucas in the house and then later I was falling for him. After I moved back here, well I didn't want people to find out and then I met Marie. So I do want this, but I'm a little scared.

***

I can feel him tense up under my touch as he rolls over and I start petting him like a kitten, murmuring soothingly in his ear as I keep kissing every inch of skin I can reach. "What's wrong baby? Has it been long since you've done this?" Suddenly a thought strikes me. Joe was never one to have just a casual relationship and I can't remember ever seeing him with someone when I lived with him. He was married for nearly ten years, which barely leaves time for any sort of relationship. "Jack… how long has it been since you've been with a man, baby?"

***

I should have realized he'd know. I press back against him. "I haven't been with a man since before I met you." I blush slightly. "You know me, Lucas, I don't take relationships lightly." I don't want to tell him he'll be the first to ever do this with me, I'm so worried he'll stop. I don't want to do anything to screw this up. God knows Marie never hid the fact that I was a useless husband. What if Lucas decides I'm just too much hard work? Oh I know he says he's been in love with me for more than a decade, but that's just fantasy, this is reality. What if I can't make this good enough for him? It's going to be hard enough for him dealing with my moods and my hours and then there are the girls. I know I'm getting more and more tense, but I can't seem to stop myself. "Please, love, I need you."

***

Something is definitely wrong. "Jack, sweetheart, look at me." I pull him into my arms and kiss his face and shoulders softly until he finally looks up into my eyes. What I see is not just the same love that has been shining throughout the night but also doubt and no small dose of self-loathing. I run my fingers through his hair, gently petting him and holding him close to me. "Listen to me, love, no matter what happens, no matter what you think you became over the last ten years… I love you, and I always will. I loved you as Joe back in New Jersey, and I definitely love you now as Jack, and I'll still love you forty years from now when we'll both be old and wrinkly." I try to sound as convincing as possible. I'm not entirely sure what is wrong, but this is the one thing I'm not going to let him mistake.

***

I sigh and hold him close. "I love you, Lucas, never doubt that, but I'm dreadful at relationships. I don't want to do anything to drive you away." I kiss him softly. "I know I sound terribly needy, but I can't lose you, not again. I was going to say that I'm hell to live with but we managed okay last time. It's just the weird hours you'd need to put up with; you seem to be able to handle my moods." I rest my forehead against his and smile softly. "I do love you, sweetheart. I need to feel you inside me, proving you're here, but ..." I look away and flush. "I've never done this before, not like this, and I want it to be good for you." I'm getting redder and redder as I speak. I've got out of the habit of talking about things like this. Marie and I never communicated well, especially about sex, which she had been raised to think was something that should never be discussed, just done behind closed doors. Sam and I never talked about anything.

***

He takes my breath away with only those few words. I'm going to be the first, and only one if I have my way, to show him how good it can be to let someone else take care of you, to love you like that. "Jack, I'm sharing a bed with you, that alone makes it amazing for me." I tell him with a soft smile. "Besides, do you have any idea how incredibly hot it is to know nobody else touched you the way I'm going to tonight?" I add with a soft smile. "I promise you there is *nothing* that would make me wish I was anywhere but right at your side. Just try to relax and let me take care of you, love."

***

I blush again, but this time for a totally different reason. Lucas is making me feel special, loved; almost like I'm someone you would want to date, to pursue. No one has made me feel like that for a long time. The only place I feel confident in my abilities is the office. I'm good at my job; it's life I apparently suck at. I lean forwards and kiss him slowly, exploring, savouring, trying to convey my love and desire. I roll over again and bend one leg. "I want you, Lucas, show me."

***

The sight alone pulls a soft moan from my lips and I run my fingers gently over his back, tracing every vertebra and then cupping the beautifully round ass before sliding lower and caressing the inside of his thigh. I can feel him shiver under my touch and with a sudden smile I know what I want to give him. With one last kiss and a whispered, "I love you," I slide lower and settle back between Jack's legs, sucking on the soft skin of his ass before spreading the firm cheeks and running my tongue from the back of Jack's balls to the tip of his tail bone with long licks. "You taste so good, love," I purr before rubbing my tongue over the tiny opening.

***

I can't help but cry out at the first touch of his tongue to my ass. I've always loved having someone touch and squeeze my ass, but his tongue is like nothing I ever felt before. When he starts licking at my entrance I shiver all over and moan deep in my throat. I can't help pushing back. I want more, need more. "Oh God, Lucas," I groan. "So good, you feel incredible. More, sweetheart, give me more. Get me ready for you. I want to feel you taking me, claiming me, making me yours forever."

***

God, I want to be buried deep inside him and at the same time I want to draw this out for as long as possible, to show him exactly how much I love him. I press the tip of my tongue against the virgin opening, still amazed at the idea I'm going to be the one to ever touch him like this. He opens up for me so easily, letting me plunge as deep inside him as my tongue would go. I thrust in and out a few times before pulling back and biting one cheek gently. "I'm going to prepare you so well, love, stretch you for me before I finally press myself inside you," I tell him with a hoarse voice before stretching over to grab the lube I keep in the bedside cabinet with my toys.

***

I cry out softly when he bites down. I moan throatily again and relax for him. "Whatever you want, my love." It feels so good to have him looking after me like this; all I have to do is lay here and give myself over to all the wonderful sensations he is causing. At the first touch of a slick finger, I tense momentarily and then relax again, letting him slide it inside me. I groan and close my eyes. I never imagined what this would feel like, not just the physical sensation of his finger breaching my body, but the whole idea of having him inside me, even if it is just his finger for now. Taking part of my lover inside me is ... unbelievable. It feels incredible, knowing he's inside me, that I'm choosing to let him do this. "I love you."

***

Jack feels so perfectly tight around me but he trusts me and he's still relaxed enough for me to easily add a second finger. I press deeper and finally find the tiny nub I've been looking for, scraping my fingertip gently over it and loving the way it makes Jack arch up and cry out in pleasure.

***

I have never felt anything like that. No wonder people like this. I push back hard and growl, "More." I know I said it earlier, but now I really know the meaning of the phrase 'I need you'. I need Lucas inside me with a soul deep need that I have never felt before. I want to be his. If we do this I know I'm going to feel like I belong to him, just like he's always belonged to me. I can hear myself pleading for more, begging, and it should make me feel vulnerable, weak, but it doesn't. I love Lucas and I trust him and I need him as much as he needs me and there's nothing weak about that. It's love, pure and simple. I love him and I have to have this with him.

***

It's amazing, perfect, thousands times better than I ever imagined it would be. I've had sex with other men and even a couple of women but this is different. It doesn't matter what I feel and want, the only thing that does matter is to give him pleasure and show him how much I love him. As carefully as possible I add a third finger, stretching him wider and scraping over his prostate every few strokes. Every strangled cry, every breathless moan, makes me shudder, my own control starting to slip.

***

The third finger stretches me and it burns but I still need more so I take a deep breath and force myself to relax. Lucas keeps rubbing that spot and I can't hold a coherent thought in my head. All I can think is *need*. "Now, Lucas, please. I'm ready for you. I need you. Please, sweetheart, now."

***

Jack still feels so tight but he keeps pleading and I can't resist anymore; I love him and I need to show him exactly how much. With one last kiss to the small of his back, I pull back. "Turn around, love, I want you to be able to see you and kiss you while I make love to you."

***

I groan and roll over. I smile up at him and pull him in for a long kiss. "I want to see you too. You're so beautiful to me; I need to see you, to know that this isn't a dream, that I really have you back with me even after everything I did."

***

I moan and kiss him slowly, exploring every inch of his mouth before coating my cock with plenty of lube and guiding it to the stretched opening. "It's not a dream, sweetheart, you've always had me, even when you didn't know it. Just relax for me, sweetheart, take a deep breath and let it out as I push inside you. If it hurts just tell me and I'll stop, Jack, I promise I'll never hurt you love."

***

I hook one leg over his hip and do as he says. He feels huge, stretching me almost wider than I think I can bear but at the same time it feels right. Like this is where he belongs, inside me, giving me his strength and his love. I relax as much as I can. It hurts somewhat but not more than I can stand, so I just lie there and let my body get used to him, then I arch up and press back, trying to get him to move deeper inside me.

***

Jack arches under me and what little control I was hanging on to starts to slip. Finally I am completely buried inside him and all I can do it take a deep breath and try to pull myself together. "God, sweetheart, you feel so good, never going to let you go, I promise." I can't move right now; if I do I won't be able to stop and make it perfect for Jack.

***

I wrap my arms around him and kiss him again, trying to show him how hungry I am for this, how much I need him. I clench my ass experimentally and moan at the sensation. "Please, love, I need you to move"

***

I groan at the movement and bury my face in his neck. "I love you so much, Jack." Those are the last coherent words out of me before I start moving inside his tight body, every thrust pushing me closer to the edge. I can see he's not far behind me and I wrap my fingers around the hard cock pressed against my stomach.

***

I grip his arms tightly, so tightly I fear I may leave bruises. I'm arching up into every stroke and crying out whenever he brushes my prostate. When he wraps his fingers around me I can't hold on any longer and I scream his name, coming hard over his hand and our joined bodies.

***

With one last thrust I bury myself as deep as I can inside him, the tight muscles squeezing the breath out of me as I come with a strangled moan and Jack's name on my lips. I can barely move to one side afterwards, tugging him with me and stroking every inch of skin I can reach as we slowly both come down from the most intense orgasm of my life.

***

I cling to him, holding him like a lifeline. I can hardly believe we're both here. I finally have him back and I'm happier than I've ever been, not to mention recovering from the best sex I've ever had. I bury my face in his neck and finally let out all the pain and frustration from the last few months: Marie leaving, losing my girls, the stress at the office with Vivian and Sam. I'm sure I'm scaring the crap out of Lucas, shaking and crying all over him after what we just shared, but this is what I need right now and he's holding me close and stroking my hair and I know we'll get through this and come out the other side stronger than we were alone.

***

He's shaking in my arms and I try to hold him as tightly as possible, murmuring how much I love him and how I'm never going let him go. I know it's for the best he lets everything out, but it still hurts to see him like this. The only thing I can be glad about is that I'm here for him and I'm never going to let him go. "It's alright, Jack, just let it go. I'm going to catch you, love, no matter what I'm always going to be here for you. We're going to fix everything, get your girls back and let the gang bowl you over when they finally see you again. And when you're working late, the girls and I going to be here when you come home." I know I'm barely making any sense but I want to be there for him, give him everything he needs or that he ever wanted.

***

Eventually I take a deep breath and pull back, wiping my eyes. "Thank you, love." I kiss him sweetly. "The last few months have been awful, but I have you back and together I'm sure we can do anything. Starting with getting my girls back home where they belong. We'll have to see what Warren's fiancée says about letting the court know our history. On the one hand it means I have a record when it comes to bringing up a child, even while being a single parent and working odd hours, plus the social worker's reports from back then, on the other hand I'm now sleeping with my former foster child…"

***

I chuckle softly and kiss his hair before regretfully moving back and grabbing a washcloth from my nightstand. After cleaning both of us up I pull him back into my arms, lightly caressing every inch of skin I can reach. "We can see what Becca will say tomorrow, which reminds me, I need to call her and to call your office to let them know you're taking a day off tomorrow." I kiss him softly before gently disentangling myself and getting up to grab the phone from my dresser. As I dial Rebecca and Warren's number and leave a message, I slip back into bed and curl up around my Jack.

***

I wrap my arms around him happily. "Sleep well, my love, and thank you. For everything. I was slowly fading away, but you brought me back." I sigh happily. "Viv is going to love you. She might be pissed that I took her job, but she's always worried about me."

***

I hang up the phone and kiss him slowly. "How could she stay mad at you love? You are too cute for anyone to keep a grudge." I whisper with a grin before kissing him again to stop any protest. "Sleep now, love, tomorrow we can start the rest of our lives together."

***

I laugh softly at the idea I'm 'cute' and then bury under the covers and closer to my Lucas, holding him close like an oversized teddy bear. I can barely keep my eyes open after the stress of the last day or so. I yawn and mumble goodnight before drifting off to sleep with a sappy smile on my face.

***

I know I said I'd call him in sick tonight but it would mean getting out of bed and Jack's arms to find his cell phone and that it's simply not acceptable. I drop the phone to the floor and wrap Jack tighter in my arms, kissing his hair softly and gently caressing as much of his skin as I can reach. I doubt I'll fall asleep too soon tonight, I have the only man I've ever loved snuggled in my arms and all I want to do is to watch him as he finally relaxes again. Sleep will come soon enough, but for the moment I'm just content to lay here and hold him, knowing this time nothing is going to tear us apart.


End file.
